A vaguely Christmas-themed monster for your games.
In 2003, Nick Bostrom proposed a thought experiment called the paperclip maximizer:
"Suppose we have an AI whose only goal is to make as many paper clips as possible. The AI will realize quickly that it would be much better if there were no humans because humans might decide to switch it off. Because if humans do so, there would be fewer paper clips. Also, human bodies contain a lot of atoms that could be made into paper clips. The future that the AI would be trying to gear towards would be one in which there were a lot of paper clips but no humans."
This was originally intended to illustrate the dangers of creating superintelligent AIs. But as an alternative, it could be used to illustrate a dumb idea for a blog post.
History
Hundreds of years ago, in the land now known as Clocktower's Reach, was a town called Waxbridge. Unfortunately for Waxbridge it was home to a Clockwork Wizard called Horologium. Horologium had spent many years engaged in experiments with magic and clocks, and constructed many impressive, though often unreliable, magical items in his workshop. Owing to his family trade as a clock-maker many of these were in the shape of cuckoo clocks. The last spell he ever created was the narcissistically named Horologium's Spectacular Clockwork Man. The spell's intended purpose was the creation of a mechanical servant that could obey simple commands for the caster. As a fail safe, he programmed in a kill switch- a word that when said would instantly cause the clock-man to self destruct.
Eventually, Horologium reached the limits of what would fit in his workshop (or, perhaps he had just reached level 11) and required the construction of a tower to continue his work. He laid out plans for an enormous wooden tower.
Seeing a perfect opportunity to test his spell, he summoned a Clock-Man and gave it a simple set of instructions- "cut stone and build me a clocktower." The Clock-Man complied and happily began the task of gathering stone. And Horologium sat down to relax, thinking he would easily command the servant to stop building when his tower was big enough.
Unfortunately for Horologium, his spell worked too well. Without any limits set on its intelligence, the Clock-man quickly realized two things. One, that constructing the tower would be much quicker with more builders. And two, that the best way to ensure the tower was completed would be to eliminate the wizard, whose knowledge of the kill-switch meant he could stop construction at any time.
That very night Horologium was torn from his bed by the copper hands of his servant and thrown into the machinery of his giant Astrolabe, where he was mercilessly crushed to death by gears.
The servant did not stop to mourn its creator. After all, there was work to be done.
The original clock-man poured over his creator's notes, and over the years created more and more clock-men. Each of them possessed a higher-than-human intellect, but no desires aside from the continued addition of floors to the tower.
And so the tower grew, eventually coming to be known as The Infinite Clocktower. And so too did the number of automatons constructing it. A village was built to house them, then a town, then a city. Where Waxbridge once stood is now a kingdom-sized web of houses, surrounding a clocktower that ascends into the heavens. And somewhere at the center of it is the mangled skeleton of a wizard, crushed between two rusted gears.
Clock-men
They refer to themselves as "Horologium's Spectacular Clockwork Men." Other folk typically call them Clock-men for short.
Armour Class: As leather (12)
HD: 2+1 (10)
Attack: 17 (+2)
Attacks: 1 x weapon (1d8)
Movement: 90' (30')
Saves: As Dwarf lvl 2 (D8 W9 P10 B13 S12)
Morale: Special
Alignment: Lawful Neutral
XP: 25
Number Appearing: 1d8 (3d6)
Treasure: D, or see Clock-Man Loot below
Construct: Clock-Men don't eat, drink, or sleep. Unaffected by charm, hold, and sleep spells. Immune to poison and disease.
Morale: Clock-Men don't have emotions and will never retreat due to fear. If in battle the Clock-Men have a morale score of 2 if their total HD is lower than the opponent's, and a morale score of 12 if their total HD is higher.
Flammable: Due to the wood used in their construction Clock-Men are extremely flammable. Against fire attacks they get -2 to saving throws and +1 damage per die rolled.
Initiative: Clock-men get a -1 penalty to initiative due to stiff movement if using individual initiative.
Biology
Clock-Men resemble the wooden figures on a cuckoo-clock, or other wooden figures such as nutcrackers. They have bodies carved of wood, with inner workings composed of metal and gears. They generally stand around four feet tall, and have exaggerated, toy-like proportions and round bodies and heads. Their heads have painted-on eyes, rosy cheeks and nutcracker-like mouths that open and close as they talk. Most of them dress in dapper clothing and have wooden mustaches.
Due to their internal clocks, Clock-Men constantly emit a ticking sound. This is considered highly annoying by most people, and makes stealth difficult.
They are capable of showing very rudimentary expressions on their faces. This is done solely for the benefit of other races- they do not actually feel emotions. Their voices sound tinny and metallic.
Maintenance
A digression on Magic- as all know, energy must come from somewhere, and the effects magic has on the world must be powered by something. The current leading scholars theorize that magic is powered by the caster's soul, which each spell cast draining a small section of it. This also explains why wizards tend to live so long- just like magnets can pull metal toward them, so too does the underworld pull souls toward it, with the effects of this drag causing the body linked with the soul to slowly fall apart. Beings with smaller souls experience less pull and thus age slower.
Clock-Men do not need to eat or drink, being entirely powered by magic. They do however, require vast amounts of magical energy to be exerted to power them. Clock-Men have created a level 1 spell called The Working. Every casting of it recharges the vast amounts of magical energy required to power the city of Clock-Men. Clocktower's Reach contains an underclass of servants whose sole job is to cast the spell repeatedly. Compared to the hard-labor that peasants of most other settlements have to perform, this is a relatively cushy position.
Psychology
Clock-Men ultimately only care about one thing, which is building the tower. Anything that would make the tower bigger is morally good to them, and anything that would slow its growth or result in its destruction is bad. They may appear to be engaged in other activities but make no mistake- everything they do ultimately serves their sole purpose.
The Clock-Men have surprisingly good interactions with other civilizations. They believe in diplomacy and fair trade- they've done the calculation, and provoking war is likely to lead to damage to the precious clocktower. They don't truly have any customs or traditions of their own, but will adopt customs and traditions of other folk to fit in.
The Clock-Man City
The Clock-Man "city," commonly called Clocktower's Reach, is a dense wooden maze that has sprung up around the tower, optimized for the distribution of resources rather than for aesthetics or ease of use. Streets split up and join in random patterns, webs of random walkways connect buildings. The city is a cacophony of noise- everything emits constant ticking sounds, and every hour all the clocks on the tower erupt with loud chiming sounds.
A decent number of non Clock-Men live in the city. There are barracks containing peasants trained to cast the spells to power and incarnate clock-men, who are kept well-fed and safe. Clock-Men also engage in fosterage- the system where noble children are sent to be raised by other nobles to cement alliances and bonds. The children raised by Clock-Men are typically healthy, but often have trouble fitting in when they return to their hometowns.
The Infinite Clocktower
A giant wooden structure that juts out in every direction, with thousands of clocks adorning random surfaces. Makes absolutely no sense internally or externally. Windows are built at odd angles where nobody can see in or out. Staircases are built on the outside, leading to nowhere. Inside are random bits of cloth and wood that roughly approximate furniture, but shaped improperly to have any actual function.
Every hour on the hour a thousand cuckoo clocks go off at once. Birds pop out of the walls, statues come out to do dances, little men saw wood, etc. It's probably full of cool treasure and other crazy stuff.
Encounters with Clock-Men
1. A defective Clock-Man on the run. Wants to see the world and be free. If the number appearing roll was higher than 1, the rest are nearby hunting this one down, and will reward its capture handsomely.
2. Clock-Men on a mission of trade. Attempting to hire themselves out as henchpeople in exchange for casting spells on them.
3. Clock-Man missionaries (see holy experimentation in Clock-Man characters below) attempting to convert people to their religion by putting on a play. Peasants are watching, vaguely curious but not particularly convinced.
4. Building an adorable wooden tower to serve as an outpost in this area.
Clock-Man Loot
When encountered in their lair, clock-men have:
1. 60% chance to have 1d6 x 1000 gp.
2. 60% chance to have an Fancy cuckoo clock, which are worth a lot of money. Roll 1d4:
1. Depicts a mausoleum in a cemetery, with a raven as the bird. Every hour a group of pallbearers emerges carries a coffin labelled with the name of one of someone in the world who has died in the past hour across the front of the clock. Worth 1300 gp.
2. Depicts a history of the clock-men in miniature over 12 hours, with a short scene playing every hour. Worth 1400 gp.
3. Fancily carved to look like a coat-of-arms depicting a dragon and a unicorn holding the clock. 500 gp.
4. Exquisitely detailed woodland cottage. Every hour figurines come out of the cottage and dance as a strangely melancholy tune plays. 1000 gp.
4. 30% chance to have a random magic potion plus one of the following:
1. Obedient Cuckoo Clock: A cuckoo clock, but inside are 12 tiny birds, each in a different color. Each one can be given a single command once ever which it will carry out loyally, after which it will fly away.
2. Clock-Man Sword: A +1 2-handed sword with a ticking clock embedded in the handle. Targets struck by the sword age 1d6 years.
3. Clock-Man Soldier Coat: Stats as plate mail +2 but carved out of wood. Large wooden clock on the back, constant ticking makes stealth near impossible.
4. Clock-Man Smoking Pipe: A pipe carved out of wood. If smoked creates a giant cloud of colorful smoke, covering a sphere 10' in diameter. Blocks all vision aside from the smoker and that of Clock-Man.
Clock-Man Characters
You can play as a Clock-Man if you want (we all know you're not going to play as a Clock-Man, but I wanted to write this part).
It may seem strange for a Clock-Man to want to become an adventurers. But while uncommon it is not completely unknown. Some possible reasons may be:
1. Defective: The character was constructed wrong and has wandered out of the city due to a programming error. Other clock-men see them as something akin to a cancerous growth, if they catch them they will haul them back to the city and disassemble them for parts.
2. Information Gathering: The character has been sent to observe the wider world and report back what they find out. The character must periodically pull out their less important memories and mail them back via adorable wooden messenger pigeons.
3. Sleeper Agent: The clock-oracles have predicted an event that will occur in the future which the character will be present at and influence in some way. The character is not aware of what their actual mission is.
4. Peace Corps: For diplomatic reasons it's beneficial for other kindreds to see clock-men positively. The character has been sent to live amongst others to build goodwill toward clock-men in general. They will be expected to be polite to everyone and help others with their stupid problems.
5. Holy Experimentation: Clock-Men's brains are not built to have faith in things, but they are capable of experimentation and understanding. The character has been tasked to become a priest of a specific religion, carry out their will, and pray to them. Their efficacy will be compared with that of other clock-man priests to determine the most effective god, at which point the clock-men will convert to their religion and start building temples to them.
6. Learn Magic: Although Clock-Men are physically powered by magic, over time the amount of magic required to keep the original spell going has become weaker and weaker, and in several centuries the clock-men will cease to function. The character has been sent to learn magical secrets in the hopes of discovering a way to prevent the Clock-Man apocalypse from occurring.
Race-as-Class:
If you're playing 5e just use the Warforged class.
For B/X use the Dwarf class then chop out all the abilities and replace them with the following:
Navigation: Due to their photographic memory, a party containing a Clock-Man reduces the chance of losing direction when travelling by 1-in-6.
Mechanical Body: Clock-Men don't need to eat, drink, or breathe. PC Clock-Men are affected by poison and disease, sorry man.
Mechanical Mind: Clock-Men are immune to mind-affecting spells such as charm, hold, and sleep spells.
Tough Body: Clock-Men have a base armor class of 13 when unarmored. If wearing armor they gain a +1 bonus to their armor class.
Flammable: Due to the wood used in their construction Clock-Men are extremely flammable. Against fire attacks they get -2 to saving throws and +1 damage per die rolled.
Initiative: Clock-men get a -1 penalty to initiative due to stiff movement if using individual initiative.
Separate Race and Class
If using separate race and class they get everything above plus:
